On doing it poorly...

Alternate title: A love letter to counseling.

I lived most of my life believing that something was only worth, well, something if it was done perfectly. It didn’t count if it wasn’t done as well as it could be done (spoiler alert: that marker is a metaphorical dust-pan-line that is not actually achievable because there is always more to learn and do in this world of endless and exponential information.)

I was only valuable in relationships if I was the “perfect” friend/daughter/sister/wife - never forgetting a birthday, checking in consistently, never being late for a lunch date or forgetting a detail of a conversation, buying the most intentional gifts, asking the most thoughtful questions, and never saying the wrong thing.

My writing was only valuable if it was was “perfect” grammatically and met each and every reader “perfectly” where they were emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

My body was only good if it was “perfectly” toned, tanned, and trimmed.

The list goes on and on (and on and on).

I’m absolutely exhausted just beginning to write that list.

Imagine living it each and every day. (I bet many of you don’t even have to imagine because you live(d) it too.)

I used to scoff at the saying: If it’s worth doing, then it’s worth doing poorly. I thought it was a lame excuse for not trying hard enough. Because in my warped reality, perfection could be achieved. And if it could be achieved, then it should be achieved, and anything less was worthless. (My inner critic has a very harsh vibe.) And not only did I believe that harsh lie, I believed I was the one solely responsible for making sure my life was worth something by achieving “perfection” in all areas.

Enter: counseling.

Thank the Good Lord for wisdom and research and individuals who devote themselves to growth and healing, freedom and wholeness.

I’ve done work on my perfectionist tendencies in the past, but this last round of counseling (coupled with EMDR therapy) helped me get to “the bottom of my funnel” - an analogy my counselor uses to help clients visualize getting to the very foundation of how we are wired.

At the bottom of my funnel, I found that the negative core belief that has shaped much of who I am and how I’ve lived my life is this: I am responsible. As a woman of faith, I believed that God was in charge overall, but finding and executing their perfect plan was up to me.

I truly believed God wrote the story, sure, but it was up to me to find all the words and put them in the right order. No big deal, right? Seems simple enough? Yeah, no.

Through several months of weekly counseling appointments, I got to the bottom of my funnel. And in the midst of the swirling, God’s Spirit revealed to me the most freeing and healing truth that has literally changed my life:

I am not responsible for outcomes. I am responsible for obedience.

I am not responsible for outcomes.

It seemed wrong at first. Well, no, of course I’m responsible for outcomes. Outcomes are absolutely up to me. If I do things right (“perfectly”), the outcome will be right/perfect/what I want. And if the outcome falls short of right/perfect/what I want, then I must have done something wrong.

But that’s not true. I mean, yes, of course, if we’re driving down the road and choose to merge into the oncoming lane of traffic, we are responsible for the outcome of a head-on collision. And yes, if we choose to beat our children, we are responsible for the outcome of a severed relationship and possible termination of parental rights. But even those examples lead me back to the truth that: We are not responsible for outcomes. We are responsible for obedience. Hang with me for a sec here.

Obedience is a word that has understandably gotten a bad rap as people in power have abused the word and the concept. Parents, teachers, religious leaders, and other authority figures often misuse and misinterpret obedience to mean something along the lines of “blindly following whatever I say, doing it immediately and exactly as I said.” (And harsh consequences typically follow if there is any deviation from that definition.) This interpretation of obedience serves only the people in power, while the ones expected to be obedient are left to feel powerless, helpless, weak, ashamed, anxious, full of self-doubt, and full of fear.

And yes, obedience does mean compliance, but God’s intention for obedience is that it results in abundant blessing for the obedient - a life of peace, joy, hope, love, confidence, and freedom. And what’s even more beautiful is that God’s intention for obedience is that it’s a response to first experiencing blessing. So God doesn’t ask for obedience first and then offers blessing; God shows us their love for us, and our hearts respond with obedience because yes, absolutely I want to comply with the God who created me and knows me completely and loves me more than I could ever comprehend.

Over and over again, in God’s Word, we are encouraged to be obedient so that we may move closer to life as God intended. And God never shames or scares us into obedience; but rather, obedience is always the heart’s response to God’s perfect love.

When we experience God’s love, our hearts cannot help but comply with God’s ways, because once we get to know God, we can trust that God’s ways are always for our good - our best. We can trust that obeying the One who is and has all power, all knowledge, and all love - the One who created everything good - knows the best way to live, knows the way to the best life.

We are not responsible for outcomes. We are responsible for obedience.

So, back to my examples…

Responsibility for obedience when driving looks like being a kind human who pays attention and follows the rules of the road, who stays in their own lane and looks out for other drivers. Does this means we have complete control over outcomes? No. We will never be perfect, and neither will every other driver on the road; but the responsibility for all outcomes is not ultimately up to us. We are responsible for obedience, not outcomes.

Responsibility for obedience when parenting looks like being a safe, consistent, loving, nurturing, attuned, attentive caregiver. Does this mean nothing bad will ever happen to our children and they’ll grow up to be kind, respectful, healthy, helpful members of society? We hope so, but ultimately, the outcome is not up to us.

And yes, we are promised that a life of obedience to God will lead to a life of peace, joy, hope, love, confidence, and freedom; but we are not promised specific scenarios or situations or outcomes. We can trust that obedience will bring about blessing, but obedience is first and foremost a response to God’s love and not a way to manipulate God into doing what we want.

We are not responsible for outcomes. We are responsible for obedience.

We are responsible for being present, considerate, and humble in relationships; but does that mean we will never mess up or never hurt someone or never be hurt by someone? No.

We are responsible for making the art we were made to make, but does that mean what we produce will be everyone’s cup of tea or ever even reach more than one soul? No.

We are responsible for nourishing our bodies and moving our bodies, but does that mean we will never get sick? No.

We are not responsible for outcomes. We are responsible for obedience.

It’s not an easy truth to get a hold of, especially when the world tells us the opposite. We are fed the lie that we can be the masters of our destinies if we just do everything right. And I ate that lie up for a long time and berated myself when I didn’t end up at the outcome I was hoping for. If only I would have done more or tried harder or done it better.

But the truth is, obedience as God intended does not require perfection. Obedience as God intended, even done poorly, always moves us closer to God and closer to a life of peace, joy, hope, love, confidence, and freedom.

Tell me, in what areas do you need to release your grip on the outcome and instead hold fast to obedience?