On overanalyzing social situations...

A manifesto to keep in mind, in the midst of group settings and after.

This meme always makes me laugh because, same. And to be honest, I feel like this is a more common occurrence the older I get. As I age, I feel so much more confident in so many ways; but I feel less confident in others.

I would have considered myself an extrovert in high school and college - I thrived in group settings. I had no problem speaking up and sharing my thoughts, opinions, stories, jokes. I would have listed “conversational skills” as a strength of mine. That is not the case today. Especially in group settings.

I find myself second-guessing when or how to jump in and what or how much to share. I don’t want to come across as full of myself, and I want others to have an opportunity to share, so I often end up not saying much, and then when I finally feel ready, it usually seems that the conversation is winding down, so then I just don’t say anything at all, because I don’t want to drag it out if everyone else is done. (I hope you read that long run-on in one breath and kind of fast and awkwardly, because that’s how it sounds in my brain.)

Like everyone, I long to know and be known. And I want others to feel seen and heard and known in my presence. And I just can’t seem to get the balance right sometimes.

I long to know others and long to make them feel known, so I often end up doing a lot more listening than sharing, but then I leave feeling unknown, and that often keeps me from sharing the next time, because if I’m not known, then something I say may be taken the wrong way or come across strange or rude or too much or too little. (Another one of those run on thoughts.) It’s kind of vicious cycle.

This happens the most in group settings with people I haven’t known for a long time or haven’t had the opportunity to be known by on a deeper level. Thankfully I don’t feel like this too often with lifelong friends or newer-but-close friends because they know me. And one-on-one conversations still feel ok for the most part, because they leave more wiggle room if something comes out wrong; and both parties are expected to talk when it’s just two people.

Perhaps these feelings fluctuate with hormones or mood or weather as well. But whatever it is, there are times when I leave a social situation and spend the next 24 hours overanalyzing everything I said or did not say.

This happened after book club recently. I spent the entire evening in my head. I felt weird when I shared. And I felt weird when I stayed quiet. I just felt weird. And I felt like I was probably acting weird, which made me feel even more weird. When I left, I agonized over everything for 12 hours and then decided to do something about it.

I sent a rambly voice memo to a few of the girls (the ones I had spent the most time talking to, or rather, not talking around) sharing my thoughts on all of this. And you know what? The conversation that happened in that text thread was one of the most eye-opening, freeing, healing, kind, honest conversations I have ever had the honor of being a part of.

To sum it up: we all feel the same way.

And I’m guessing you can relate?

If we all feel this way, then the truth is, none of us needs to feel this way.

So here I am, doing what I know to do. Using words to help me sort and process and hoping these words help you do the same.

This is an invitation to freedom and joy. This is an invitation to peace and community. This is truth to keep in mind when we start to spiral in the middle of a situation and/or get stuck overanalyzing after. This is a Social Setting Manifesto.

SOCIAL SETTING MANIFESTO

1. We all long to be known.

2. We all long to be loved.

3. We are all worthy of being known and loved.

4. We have the power to make others feel seen, heard, known, and loved.

5. Others want to see, hear, know, and love us too.

6. We can share our imperfect selves, leaning into the truth that vulnerability begets vulnerability.

7. We can encourage others to be known by allowing ourselves to be known.

8. We will get it wrong.

   1. We will misspeak.

   2. We will overshare.

   3. We will say the wrong thing.

   4. We will say the right thing but in the wrong way.

   5. We will interrupt.

   6. We will hurt feelings.

   7. We will overstep.

   8. We will assume we know the whole situation when we very much do not.

9. Others will get it wrong.

   1. They will misspeak.

   2. They will overshare.

   3. They will say the wrong thing.

   4. They will say the right thing but in the wrong way.

   5. They will interrupt.

   6. They will hurt our feelings.

   7. They will overstep.

   8. They will assume they know the whole situation when they very much do not.

10. We can try again.

11. We can apologize.

12. We can assume the best.

13. We can brush it off.

14. We can have hard conversations.

15. We can correct.

16. We can be corrected.

17. We can give grace.

18. We can trust that others will give us grace.

19. We can give ourselves grace.

20. We are not perfect, and no one expects us to be.

21. We are all in this together.

22. Everyone is too worried about their own weirdness to be worried about yours.

23. Life is best lived together.

24. We have the power to find freedom, feel freedom, and invite others into that freedom.

Let’s be people who listen with love and share with joy. Let’s stop our spirals by remembering that we all feel these things at some point or another. Let’s bring our whole selves to every room we walk into, knowing that we are worthy of time, space, and love. And let’s offer that time, space, and love to others as well.